Wendy pretending to be old
I wasn’t expecting much from Chengdu. As far as I was concerned it was just a transfer point from Lijiang to Lhasa. Boy, was I mistaken! I really wasn’t that interested in Pandas but the little firecracker of a tour guide (Wendy) would make watching paint dry interesting. Wendy who I would guess is in her early 20s was bursting with energy and a silly streak a mile wide. Which makes me wonder why in the world she majored in Petroleum English at University. She is a natural entertainer and communicator and really should find an outlet for her talents.
But let’s talk about Panda’s now that I’m an instant expert on the lazy bastards. As we toured the Chengdu Panda Base and walked from one area to the next Wendy offered up the following information about Pandas. The first thing I learned is that Pandas have been napping daily on the earth for 8 million years. And there are two types of Pandas the Great (White and Black) Pandas and their smaller cousin the Red Panda (kind of looks like an overgrown raccoon). And there are only about 2000 Great Pandas left in the world.
The role of the Panda Base is to help Pandas breed and then raise the offspring to eventually be released back into the wild. You may wonder why Pandas need help breeding – simple they don’t reproduce often because they are extremely lazy. In fact, Wendy gleefully told me they make the pandas watch panda porn for two months leading up to the mating season to get them in the mood and to overcome their lazy nature.
Mating season is from March until May but the female may only be in heat for between a few hours and a few days. The male panda not only has to be virile he has- to be quick! And if the magic happens in 4 months a brand new shiny panda is born weighing in at only 100grams. Eventually, the little guy will grow to over 100 kilograms (220 lbs).
A couple of pieces of panda trivia for your next game of Trivia Pursuit – panda milk is green and a Panda whenever they get up the energy to run can run at 40k per hour. And a full-grown panda will eat 100bs of bamboo per day. To which my first thought was the age-old question “Does a bear Sh_t in the Woods?” The answer for Pandas – hell yes! A lot! But Wendy says it is no problem because Panda Poo is quite fragrant and the Panda volunteers enjoy picking it all up. I’ll just take her word on that one.
Up until the 1960s, only the people in the mountains knew pandas even existed. Then some French guy stumbled onto one, captured it, and tried to smuggle it back to France. The panda died in route but the French panda smuggler let the panda secret out of the bag.
And now you know as much about lazy pandas as I do. I’ve attached photos of both the Great and Red Pandas as well as a photo of myself striking the Kung Fu Panda Pose (not very convincing but crazy Wendy insisted).
The next stop after our Panda adventure was a stop at the Wenshu Monastery. This is the largest and best-preserved Buddhist Temple in Chengdu and was built in the Tang Dynasty. You can see from the photos that the temple grounds are beautiful. You will also see photos of both Wendy and I excitedly holding the giant stack of coins under a golden dragon’s claw. Wendy says that touching the coins will bring you good fortune and by fortune she means riches! I figured it couldn’t hurt.
After the Monastery visit, we walked over to the People’s Park and observed one of the strangest processes I have ever come across. It is called the Blight Marriage Market. Apparently, Chinese parents believe any daughter who is not married by 30 is damaged goods. So, the mother takes the initiative and tacks her daughter’s matrimonial resume to a tree or fence in the park for would-be husbands to peruse.
Since I can’t read Chinese I asked Wendy to read a couple to me. They say things like University educated, owns their own home, healthy, good cook, obedient, etc… And, there are also ads for men looking for wives – some placed by the man’s mother others placed by men themselves. One ad tacked to a tree was from a 40 something widower looking for a second wife. His ad gave his vitals and what he was looking for in his next wife.
I didn’t do a very good job of framing but in a couple of the photos you can see some of the dozens upon dozens of older women sitting patiently waiting for either a man on the hunt for a wife or more likely a man’s mom to read her ad. If she sees someone reading the ad she is ready to pounce and makes an in-person pitch for her adult child.
Wendy tells me many of the daughters or sons have no idea their mothers are posting these ads. And when the Chinese version of a helicopter mom finds a match and the other prospective spouse’s parents agree it is a good match – they go thru a charade that they just met in the park or thru friends and thought the couple were ideal for each other. Seems a little weird to me but I suppose it is no weirder than throwing divining blocks and leaving it to a god to pick your spouse.
Our next stop was another part of the park to watch all the local old people dressed up in their costumes dance. I asked Wendy how old was older people and she replied you know old – retired over 55. I had to tell her that her tip was in severe jeopardy as I turn 67 in just over a month and I don’t consider myself OLD! Quick on her feet she immediately began telling me how I barely look 50 and how handsome I am and charming. I’ve been in politics all my life and I know bullshit when I’m hearing it but she was so earnest I just let it go by telling she forgot to mention how fragrant I am.
Our final stop of the day was to the Shufengyayun Opera Tea House where we sipped green tea and watched a series of performances by Chinese folk artists before the main event the Sichuan Opera’s Changing Faces. We saw a traditional Chinese Stage Performance with elaborate costumes and surreal Chinese instruments and singing, A Chinese Puppeteer, a shadow puppet show where a woman behind a screen and light made rabbits and birds with her hands, a Chinese version of the Honeymooners but with a skinny version of Ralph Kramden.
Then came the main event the Sichuan Opera’s Changing Faces. I have no idea how the actors do it but they will be in one character then snap their fan over their face and in the blink of an eye their mask has totally changed. And they will change mask four and five times in as many minutes without giving a clue of how they do it. Wendy told me for centuries only men could perform in this opera. And only in recent years have women been taught the secret art of face changing.
And as the curtain came down on the Opera so did the curtain come down on my time in Chengdu with my fantastic tour guide Wendy. But before we parted she clued me in on a couple of facts about the people of Chengdu. First of all, they love spicy food. Second the women have a reputation of being a little spicy themselves, and third, the rest of China considers people from Chengdu lazy. I asked Wendy if the reputation was fair and she quickly agreed that they are as lazy as panda’s and proud of it. And finally, she told me that the goal of most Chinese is to work for the government. She says it is called catching the Golden Ball because once you have a government job you are guaranteed a lifetime job, good pay and a good pension without too hard of work. And now I’m off to Tibet.